S.N. Goenka - "The Ego"

LINK : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Al6avEKEpJ0

The Script:

One evening, I was walking with five of my students. It was an evening that was a little dark, on the footpath somebody was lying there. One of my students hit this person and this person shouted, "Are you blind? You got eyes like buttonholes?" These words came to my ear and I found a wonderful sensation in my body... a very pleasant sensation, a flow of very pleasant sensation... somebody's abused that could eye the buttonholes and I am getting very pleasant sensation - One Incident.

Second incident - I was going alone, I hit this person. He shouted the same language, the same words, the same tone, "Are you blind? Are your eyes a buttonhole?" Now I found no pleasant sensation... no pleasant sensation... unpleasant sensations are there.

Third incident - I was going with my five students, again I hit the person again. He shouted the same words, "Are you blind? your eyes are buttonholes?" I found the unpleasant sensation is more severe than last time. Same words but yet much difference.

Forth time - I was walking, I hit the person. The same tone he shouted, "Are you blind? your eyes are buttonholes?" And suddenly I realised these are the words of my son. My son was abusing me, "Are you blind? Your eyes are buttonholes?" The sensation became so unpleasant, so unpleasant.

Fifth time - I was walking with five of my students, I hit this person and he shouted in the same way. I recognised my son, now its totally unbearable, unbearable. Why the same words came to the ears five times and why its so different? What happened? As a meditator, I meditate and start understanding what happened.

First time, when these words came to my ears, these words are abusive but not for you. They are for your students and these students I keep on teaching them - be aware, walk with aware, walk with mindfulness. It is so immature. You did not understand anything - you hit somebody and you have to suffer this abuse. I may be a person, a teacher and I can't make such mistake. Look! This abuse is not for me, its for my students and there is a pleasant sensation. As soon as one takes birth and grows and comes to senses, whether one comes to senses or loses his senses who knows, but in the worldly language we say one comes to senses, the first thing when one does, carves an image of oneself, I go and when I carve my own image, a beautiful Goenka, a wonderful Goenka... I established this image in the temple of my mind - wonderful Goenka, Goenka is so wonderful. Now, first time when I found that abuses, I found my students were immature and I am a matured person, a teacher. Then, this image got some more shiny over it, some more polished - Our wonderful Goenka, Goenka is so wonderful. He cannot make mistakes, others make mistakes.

Second time, the same abuse and it is for you now, not for your students; there is no student here. This image that was carved and attachment towards this image, this image got shattered. Somebody is abusing me, such a big question. To a teacher myself, "what happened to you? You are not bleeding, you are not dying away, what's wrong? why you shout?" The whole attitude changes now. Very unpleasant sensation starts.

Third time, why it was much more (unpleasant), because these five students who were here with me, kept on making this madness - "one carves one's image and establishes in one's own mind develops lot of attachment that itself is madness". Now another thing that one keeps on doing, gets establishing a good image of oneself in the mind of others. Every students must know "Goenka is wonderful". Although Goenka is wonderful and that one image one placed so many dramas and so many things just to establish a good image. These five students I have done so much to establish my good image in the mind of these five students. Now the image in all these five students is shattered, previously only one image was shattered. Now five images get shattered, I feel so unhappy, five times more unhappy. Somebody abuses me when I am alone, I say "Doesn't matter... he abused me; but in public with so many people, what is the difference of being abused? Whether you are alone or whether you are with so many other people, because you put your image in the minds of so many people and now get shattered. You are much more unhappy that becomes clearer and clearer as you go deeper and make analytical study of the things.

Forth time, why it as more unhappy? "I" - the sphere of "I" increases now. "Mine", "Mine", "Mine"... they start making images of "mine". My son, my daughter, my wife, my husband, my mother, my father, my so and so and so ... and you call it a beautiful image. You start developing tremendous amount of attachment at the apparent level you keep fooling yourself - "I love my son; I love my wife; I love my husband; I love mother; I love my father..." If you go deeper, you will understand you don't love anybody. At the time about the king of the country passing yet, he came in contact with Buddha, mediated and became a good person in a way. [...] One member of the family became a meditator, others slowly get attracted, so the whole family was mediative. His wife, Mallika (the Queen), she's also a good meditator. Both of them meditate in their meditation room in the palace. One day after one hour of sitting, this King asked the Queen Mallika, "Tell me, whom do you love the most in the world?" She is wonderful. The same question came in my mind while I was meditating and I realised I love myself. I don't love anybody. Person just smiled. He said the same question came to my mind, I examined myself, I found I love only myself. I don't love anybody without my purse tonight, it would have been totally different. The Queen was saying to the King that I don't only love myself not you, her head would have been taken off. What kind of question? But now both we are meditators and are very happy, they went to Buddha and said, "Sir, in meditation it so happened." Buddha said, "Sadhu ! Sadhu! Sadhu ! This is the beginning where you can start rectifying yourself." So as long as one remains under the delusion that I love so-and-so, I love so-and-so, I love so-and-so... One does not come out of the madness when one starts realising "I know myself" , "Oh look! What a self-centred person I am! What a selfish person I am! Whom you say mine - my son, my wife, my husband and etc. You are going to dream certain aspirations, and you want this person to fulfil those dreams. You are dreaming this person will fulfil my dreams. That's why you are loving, your love is expecting something in return and when your love is expecting something in return, you are not loving this person but loving yourself. You are loving your own aspirations; you are loving your own dreams... Self-centered love, it does not help. Pure love is one way traffic; you give and you don't expect anything in return, you just give. Well, every person, as a meditator, starts realising that; then one starts coming out of this selfishness, this narrow mindedness. So what happened in the forth time? This son of mine, so much dreams was taken when he grows, he will be the son of a good personal teacher, so he will be serving him like anything you will be so obedient like this and that ... and now my Sonia said these words are from your son. My son was abusing me. Ordinary person on the street whom I didn't know, and with whom I had no dreams for future, this person abuses me - I don't like it but it doesn't have much effect. My son, he abuses me. It becomes so unbearable.

Fifth time - where it is much more unbearable, because the same mistake I keep on doing the image of my son and I try to establish my image in the mind of others. I try to establish the image of my son, my daughter, my wife, my so and so and so... its so wonderful. They may have some defects but I keep on covering those defects... "No no no no... they are so wonderful ..." Now the images I establish in the mind of five of my students about my son, those images got shattered. I am five times more unhappy. All that will become very clear when you look, when you know how to observe your sensations. Something has happened, what kind of sensation ... Something has happened, what kind of sensation ... This is how Vipassana will help you. LINK : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Al6avEKEpJ0

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